Our reason for explaining this is so we can use the part of the vow that says: “in sickness and in health, until death do us part” as a jumping off point to discuss what a married couple does when sickness enters a marriage.

Have you ever had a devastating diagnosis or a scary surgery?  Has your spouse?  How did you cope?  How was your marriage affected by such an event?  Did sickness tend to draw you closer together or did it pull you apart?  These are the questions that we will discuss in this article.

We know the biblical ideal would be that whatever may occur in marriage would draw the two together in prayer to solve the problem or to hold one another up during whatever issue, including when illness arises.  Solomon, who is thought to be the author of Ecclesiastes, put it this way:  “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.  Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.  A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.”  (Ecc. 4:9-12)

Some twenty years ago, after about two years of marriage, we had the experience of a devastating diagnosis followed by a scary surgery.  Alan had been diagnosed with cancer and we were both shocked.  Our daughter was only about a year old and we had just started going to church, we were young in the Lord and not well equipped to handle such a high stress occurrence.  Following the diagnosis and successful first surgical removal of the tumor, Alan had to endure a major operation that was really a “fact-finding” tour of his lymph nodes to make sure the cancer had not spread.  The surgery confirmed that the cancer was localized and caught early enough to be cured with the original tumor removal.  We breathed a sigh of relief and thanked the Lord for this outcome.

We became more intensely interested in Bible study after this, probably more intense about walking closer with the Lord too, so for this we were also thankful.  As we look back on the difficult time, we see how at times it was hard to feel like we gave our entire hearts to one another as deeply as we could have because of fear of the unknown.  We think this was a defense mechanism, to hold back a little bit just in case the cancer recurred.  We now see this as a lack of trust in the Lord, but we kept learning the Bible and with each passing year, we gave more to one another.  Perhaps this is common in marriage anyway, whether or not an illness has exacerbated the “learning to become one” experience.  All we know is what happened to us and all we seek to do with this article is to explain that and hope that it helps others.

A year after this occurred; Dana’s Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and died within a few months of the diagnosis.  Here was yet another devastating diagnosis and scary surgery scenario.  God had graciously been preparing us for this with inductive Bible study.  We so believed in heaven by this time, that the reality of watching a loved one go there was not as difficult as it could have been.  Truly we did not grieve as those who have no hope!  Dana missed her Mom and still does, but she knows she will see her again someday.

The importance of learning the Word cannot be overstated.  We all have trials so we all need to get to know the Bible in order to know the God of the Bible and this is what will carry us through the hard times that will inevitably occur during a marriage.  Purposing in your heart to learn together is a great way to build your faith and build your relationship.  Making sure you have that “cord of three strands” that “is not quickly torn apart” is the key to strength in marriage.  This needs to be a lifelong pursuit and one that is given the highest priority in your relationship.

Moving on through the years, Dana was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer.  It was caught early and successfully removed and there has not been a recurrence thus far.  Interestingly, our faith was much stronger and our relationship closer than ever, so this trial was not as hard to go through as the first two illness-related ones were.  Praise the Lord for His faithfulness!  Praise Him for the holy longings of our hearts to learn of Him!

We don’t know what the future holds, but we do know our God and we know that He promises that He will never give us any trial that we are unable to bear.  We know that He is seeking our highest good when we do have trials of any kind and that His will for every Christian is to conform them into the image of Christ.  Marriage just in and of itself is an exercise in learning to become others-centered, to learn to lose the fascination we all humans have with self.  Trials in marriage often expedite this process!  For this we need to learn to be thankful, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus!

You may never have to experience illness of this kind in your marriage, but you will have trials of some sort, we all do!  God allows different experiences to happen to different people for different reasons.  Our trials just happened to be various types of cancer and various surgeries.  This may not be what the Lord has for you, but the principles He wishes to teach us may well be the same.

We hope that this encourages you to seek the Lord together; to make Bible study a regular part of your marriage, to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ and to become that strong cord of three strands that will not break, but will strengthen and become even stronger as the cord is pulled in one direction or the other during a trial.  May He bless us with an ever-growing faith!

Anyone can build a house; we need the Lord for the creation of a home.    John Henry Jowett

A pertinent question for millions would be:  ‘Is there a home in your house?’     Vance Havner

A successful marriage demands a divorce:  a divorce from your own self-love.  Paul Frost

The cause of broken marriages is selfishness in one form or another.   Vance Havner

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure.  Herbert Samuel

In honor of this month, we are posting a list of principles for those of you still looking for your Mister or Missus.  We pray this will help you as you seek the Lord’s will in finding a spouse!

Ten Principles for Righteous Romance by Rick Holland

1.  Character principle: The character principle focuses in being the right person more than on finding the right person.  God prioritizes the condition of the heart over externals (1 Samuel 16:7), and so should we.  Evaluation of a potential spouse should first be based upon character.  At the same time, we need to remember that we ourselves must be maturing in righteousness through the Word, prayer, and spiritual discipleship (Titus 2:1-8). One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to learn from an older, wiser, and godlier mentor of the same gender.

2.  Confirmation principle: The confirmation principle is a willingness to submit oneself to the spiritual oversight and accountability God has placed in one’s life.  Parental affirmation (Ephesians 6:1-2), pastoral affirmation (Ephesians 4:11-16), and peer affirmation (Proverbs 15:22) are three types of confirmation one should seek in determining the wisdom of continuing a romantic relationship.

3.  Contentment principle: The contentment principle recognizes that the starting point for developing a righteous relationship with another person is the ultimate relationship-your relationship with God.  If you are not first satisfied in God alone, you will never find lasting happiness with anyone else (Psalm 63; 84:11; Philippians 4:10-13).

4.  Common ground principle: A believer should develop a romantic relationship with another Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). If marrying an unbeliever is outside of God’s will, then dating one must also be off limits.  You cannot date someone who is spiritually dead and simultaneously please Christ.

5.  Cultivation principle: Relationships need to be cultivated if they are to grow.  Believers can develop relationships in a group setting with other believers.  Believers should see each other as spiritual siblings first and as romantic options second.  There is value in couples spending time alone, but it should be done in a public setting to minimize temptation.

6.  Complementarian principle: Men and women have different God-given roles for the purpose of complementing each other (Genesis 1-3, Ephesians 5:21-33). “At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships…At the heart of true femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships.  With this in mind, men should be the initiators in a relationship.  Internet dating potentially puts a woman in the place of being an initiator with men.

7.  Companionship principle: God instituted marriage so that mankind could glorify the Creator through purposeful companionship.  Marriage was created so that a husband and wife together, as a two-in-one team, would serve, reflect, and honor God.  Make sure you get to know the other person before you decide that he or she is “the one.”  Try to observe him or her in as many different settings as possible.

8.  Commitment principle: This principle stresses that true love, biblically defined involves self-sacrifice and commitment.  Christian love imitates God’s love for us, which is an unconditional commitment to imperfect people.  In romantic pursuits, great care must be made to distinguish butterflies and feelings from genuine love and commitment.  Love is a commitment that culminates in marriage.  We too often confuse emotions for love.

9.  Communication principle: Successful relationships require biblical modes of communication.  Biblical communication includes communicating verbally, honestly, regularly, and purposefully (Ephesians 4:25-29).  The key to successful communication is humility. Those who desire to be better communicators and listeners must place the focus of their communication and attention on the other person.

10. Chastity principle: A question frequently asked in Christian relationships is, How far can we go physically?  This question is really asking, How close can we get to the line without crossing over into sin?  By contrast, the chastity principle ask, How pure and holy can I be? Sex is God’s wedding gift, and He does not want it opened early!  Avoid behavior you would one day regret if your relationship were to be broken off.  The safest approach is to treat the other person you are dating as if he or she might become someone else’s spouse. (cf. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)

Becoming Christ-like is the key to a good marriage!!

So, whether you have what you characterize as a great relationship or you are struggling with something, there is always the hope of growth, if you are growing in Christ-likeness.

Everyone wants a quick fix.  It’s a normal human desire to want to get through to the other side of something unpleasant as quickly as possible.  Even in a strong marriage, continued growth is needed and certainly continued devotion to Christ guarantees that we will have the tools we need to have this growth.  With this in mind, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your own personal devotion to Christ and make sure that you are keeping that relationship alive and well.  How’s your prayer life?  How is your Bible study coming along?  Evaluate how much time you personally spend exploring the depths of the Word and how much time you spend listening to God speak to you through the letter He wrote to you.

What do you choose to do when you have free time?  How connected do you feel you are to Him?  What are your priorities in life?  Are you in pursuit of a “good marriage” but not truly in pursuit of a rock solid relationship with Jesus?  These questions need to be asked over and over throughout the course of our lives because it is so very easy to be distracted from what is really the most important relationship we could ever have!  Our horizontal relationships will always reflect what is going on in our vertical one with our heavenly Father.

“Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that, as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you may excel still more.”    1 Thessalonians 4:1

Does this mean we should stop reading books on marriage or stop viewing a good DVD series?  Absolutely not!  We want to take time to do all that we can to build our library of resources to call upon when needed and we want to spend time together pursuing lasting growth and change in our marriage relationship.  But all of this can never replace a healthy connection to God, because He is the One who will help us pursue what is the one thing that is so necessary:  Christ-likeness.

We must excel still more!

If you are thinking that this series is only for those who are having marital difficulties, you are sadly mistaken!! There is no such thing as the perfect marriage because there is no such thing as a perfect person. This series gives you the tools to understand your mate, to encourage your mate and to live in such a way as to be a blessing to your mate! Who doesn’t need this information?

We will keep you posted on the date of the next marriage enrichment activity, whatever that may be! We are praying about doing some fun outings this Summer and on into the rest of the year. And we will let everyone know about the date of a mini-conference using the “Love & Respect” curriculum as soon as we know when it will take place. Thanks to all of you who attended and served by praying, helping with set-up, making coffee and bringing snacks. We appreciate all of you!

In the meantime, pray for one another and serve one another in love. Blessings to you all!

We are going through Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’  “Love & Respect” on DVD and would love you have you join us!  This excellent series is great for marriage enrichment and great instruction for engaged couples too!!

The dates of the upcoming meetings are:

March 6th, meeting at The Vine from 6:30-8:30.

April 3rd, same place, same time.

Hope to see you there!!

Please call the church office for more information and directions.

The Vine  phone:  920-560-5244

Husbands: We have the harder job, because our command (found in Ephesians 5) is to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. The word for love in Greek is agape and this is the highest form of love that there is, it is unconditional love; love that requires nothing back from the object of that love. This is the way in which God loves us.

This love has several characteristics:

Sacrifice –Husbands, are you ready to sacrifice all that you are for your wife? Are you willing, as Christ was, to lay down your life for her? Can you say that you will put aside your dreams or your goals for the sake of your wife? This is sacrificial love.

Service- Husbands, are you willing to serve your wife as Christ served the body? Jesus said, “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” John 13:14-15 Do you serve her in love, as the example Jesus left for us? I know many will think, well, my wife is supposed to serve me, submit to me!

But remember what Jesus said? “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not so among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28

It is rather hard to argue with Jesus on this point. If you want to be served, then serve! You provide the example in your home, just as Jesus provided the example for His disciples, and for us.

Sanctifying- Husbands, are you enabling your wife to be all that she can be in the Lord? Do you provide the means for her to be able to attend church, Bible studies and other conferences that will help her develop spiritually? Do you encourage her to read the Word; do you buy good books for her to help her with her studies? You do not have to teach her the Bible yourself, you may not know it that well, but you can ask others what they would recommend. You could go to your brothers who are older in the Lord and ask them what they have done in this area to help their wives.

Initiating- Husbands, are you loving your wife no matter what your wife may or may not be doing? Initiating love is the love that God loved us with; He loved us first. Get the message? We are to love our wives first, whether or not they love us back, whether or not they are submitting to us perfectly or doing their own role perfectly. Look to the gospels and see how Jesus treated the women He encountered. There are great examples in the Word if we take the time to search them out.

Husbands have a very high calling, namely to love like Christ loves, but we are only human, so Paul gives us a very practical instruction: love your wife like you love yourself. Humans are very willing to make sacrifices for themselves, but our problem is in loving others with the same intensity with which we love ourselves. Take that same level of intensity of loving yourself and turn it outward and onto your wife. Ask the Lord for the strength to do this and He will give it to you. He will always enable you to do what He has called you to do, if you are willing to do it!

Wives: Your instruction is to submit to your own husband as unto the Lord and to respect him. Submission is to be to your own husband, not men in general, but to the man God has given you as your own. You are to do this because God said to do it, not because your husband is some sort of God-man. Submission does not mean you are to tolerate abusive behavior of any kind. God has not called women to be abused by their husbands, and the gospel accounts of Jesus give us a wonderful example of someone who was a champion of women. They also give us a wonderful example of voluntary submission. Jesus is God and when He came to earth, He humbled Himself, taking on the form of man to accomplish the will of the Father. He said, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.” John 6:38 Just as Jesus willingly submitted His will to the Father, so wives ought to submit to their husband.

No, husbands aren’t God, and they are not smarter, better, more spiritual or more capable than women, but God has established order in the home and husbands are the head of the family and Christ is to be the head of the husband. (1 Cor. 11:3) When wives do what God asks them to do, He protects them, teaches them and causes them to grow in the faith and He is able to deal with their husbands when the wives do not stand in the way.

One practical way in which submission is lived out is that when you cannot agree on something, such as what to do in a particular situation, then the husband will make the final decision. His decision may or may not be right, but it will afford an opportunity for the two of you to learn together. In this way you are respecting your husband’s leadership. People are not born with perfect leadership skills, those skills are learned through trial and error. Give your husband some time to learn to be an effective leader and pray for him daily. Remember you are married to a man, so he will make mistakes, and when he does, don’t berate him, but rather encourage him to learn from his mistakes.

Wives, remember that submission is a protection for you. You are under the covering and protection of your husband. He is the leader, and with great authority comes great responsibility.

Everyone has to deal with their own sin, but because the husband has the authority he also has more to give an account for as well. Remember who sinned first in the fall? Eve. But who does Scripture also hold responsible? Adam.

Wives are to be in submission to their husbands even if the husband is an unbeliever. As 1 Corinthians 7 explains if you are married to an unbeliever and they are willing to stay married to you, you are not to divorce them, just because they are unbelievers. The idea from 1 Peter is that you have a huge evangelistic opportunity to live out the love of Christ in front of your unbelieving husband.

There are of course no guarantees that your husband will get saved, but with God all things are possible and in the end, He will say to you, “Well done, good and faithful servant”. It is of great benefit to have a clear conscience and to know that you have not been a stumbling block to your unbelieving husband, that you have done all that God has asked you to do to enable him to come to Christ.

You submit because God said so, you do it out of obedience and with the eternal goal in mind.

Paul, in Ephesians 5 calls marriage a great mystery, a picture of Christ and the church. Your marriage, when lived out per God’s instructions by both parties is an earthly picture of a heavenly relationship. Your marriage then becomes a huge witnessing tool to an unbelieving and struggling world. This adds a whole new dimension to your marriage and an incentive to follow the way God instructed husbands and wives to treat one another. We have a great responsibility to represent God correctly to the world and obeying God is truly the way to have a great marriage as well.

This thought struck us today:

What if we delighted ourselves in the Lord in this way: We delighted in being like Him and delighted in exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit in our everyday lives, no matter what our circumstances!

What if we became excited about showing love to those we deemed most undeserving? What if we had joy despite our trials? What if we had peace in the midst of storms? What if we had real patience instead of stoic endurance? What if we showed kindness whether we felt like it or not? What if we had real goodness, active goodness that challenged others to be the best person with the best character? What if we were full of faithfulness, instead of turning it on and off at our whim? What if we were gentle, even when we were in a hurry? What if we all had (gulp) self-control?

What would our lives look like? What would our marriages be like?

God said if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart! Do you desire a great marriage? Delight yourself in the Lord!

What are some of the tools we use to learn about marriage as God intended it to be?

An excellent tool that clearly defines marriage is the Bible! Why not go to the Master’s blueprint to build a great marriage? As we continue writing here on this site, we will offer some tidbits to stimulate thought and evaluation of how we are doing in marriage as defined by Scripture.

And speaking of Scripture, another resource we use to define the Biblical perimeters of marriage is the three CD series entitled. “Critical Advice About Marriage” by Pastor Danny Bond. Using Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians (1 Cor. 7:8-16, 39), Pastor Danny clearly lays out what God meant by what He said concerning singleness, marriage and divorce. Not only do these CDs contain definitive teaching, they also contain very practical information meant to help anyone who is single, married or divorced.

We believe that true Biblical Christianity will be first lived out in the home. If we can’t be a Christian in our own home where (presumably) we are loved best, how can we do it anywhere else? Indeed, God puts great emphasis on living our faith first in the home, since it is a qualification in order to become an elder or pastor in the church. (1 Tim. 3:1-13; Titus 1:5-9)

“Married” is not just a box we check when filing out some sort of application! Christian marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ and the church. Marriage isn’t just another social living arrangement, it’s a high calling from God and it is our number one earthly ministry!

God loves to bless marriages, loves to bless individuals period, we just need to make sure we remain bless-able by living out our faith in whatever state we find ourselves in! If we lack knowledge, we can seek out what His Word says and learn to live it out in our own homes!!

Because we believe this so strongly, we seek to support marriages that are weak through biblical advice  and prayer, The Vine seeks to encourage those marriages that are strong to remain so through fellowship and learning opportunities and we offer biblical pre-marital advice to those who are engaged to be married.

We have been married for 20 years and have survived the ups and downs that every human relationship goes through. The trials have come and gone, and we are sure there are more to come, but God has been faithful to see us through them all and we have all confidence that He will continue to see us through.

The photo below is of the chapel where we were married in 1988. It was a beautiful place, right on the Pacific Ocean. We took our vows there in front of God and many witnesses and we took them seriously! Our love has deepened over the years and we truly delight in one another’s company. We have survived the trials to see how good marriage really can be, if two people are surrendered to God and to one another. We pray this for others, that they would experience the wealth of joy that comes from having your hearts entwined!

Alan & Dana Smith

Wayfarer’s Chapel Palos Verdes, California

The view from the Chapel of the beautiful Pacific Ocean