In Sickness and In Health
Have you ever wondered where the traditional marriage vows came from? The ones most of us have taken (if we have not written our own) came from the Book of Common Prayer. The original book was published in 1549, a by-product of the English Reformation. The book contained the structure for worship in the Church of England, as well as prayers, and the order for occasional services such as baptism, funerals and weddings.
Our reason for explaining this is so we can use the part of the vow that says: “in sickness and in health, until death do us part” as a jumping off point to discuss what a married couple does when sickness enters a marriage.
Have you ever had a devastating diagnosis or a scary surgery? Has your spouse? How did you cope? How was your marriage affected by such an event? Did sickness tend to draw you closer together or did it pull you apart? These are the questions that we will discuss in this article.
We know the biblical ideal would be that whatever may occur in marriage would draw the two together in prayer to solve the problem or to hold one another up during whatever issue, including when illness arises. Solomon, who is thought to be the author of Ecclesiastes, put it this way: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Ecc. 4:9-12)
Some twenty years ago, after about two years of marriage, we had the experience of a devastating diagnosis followed by a scary surgery. Alan had been diagnosed with cancer and we were both shocked. Our daughter was only about a year old and we had just started going to church, we were young in the Lord and not well equipped to handle such a high stress occurrence. Following the diagnosis and successful first surgical removal of the tumor, Alan had to endure a major operation that was really a “fact-finding” tour of his lymph nodes to make sure the cancer had not spread. The surgery confirmed that the cancer was localized and caught early enough to be cured with the original tumor removal. We breathed a sigh of relief and thanked the Lord for this outcome.
We became more intensely interested in Bible study after this, probably more intense about walking closer with the Lord too, so for this we were also thankful. As we look back on the difficult time, we see how at times it was hard to feel like we gave our entire hearts to one another as deeply as we could have because of fear of the unknown. We think this was a defense mechanism, to hold back a little bit just in case the cancer recurred. We now see this as a lack of trust in the Lord, but we kept learning the Bible and with each passing year, we gave more to one another. Perhaps this is common in marriage anyway, whether or not an illness has exacerbated the “learning to become one” experience. All we know is what happened to us and all we seek to do with this article is to explain that and hope that it helps others.
A year after this occurred; Dana’s Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and died within a few months of the diagnosis. Here was yet another devastating diagnosis and scary surgery scenario. God had graciously been preparing us for this with inductive Bible study. We so believed in heaven by this time, that the reality of watching a loved one go there was not as difficult as it could have been. Truly we did not grieve as those who have no hope! Dana missed her Mom and still does, but she knows she will see her again someday.
The importance of learning the Word cannot be overstated. We all have trials so we all need to get to know the Bible in order to know the God of the Bible and this is what will carry us through the hard times that will inevitably occur during a marriage. Purposing in your heart to learn together is a great way to build your faith and build your relationship. Making sure you have that “cord of three strands” that “is not quickly torn apart” is the key to strength in marriage. This needs to be a lifelong pursuit and one that is given the highest priority in your relationship.
Moving on through the years, Dana was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer. It was caught early and successfully removed and there has not been a recurrence thus far. Interestingly, our faith was much stronger and our relationship closer than ever, so this trial was not as hard to go through as the first two illness-related ones were. Praise the Lord for His faithfulness! Praise Him for the holy longings of our hearts to learn of Him!
We don’t know what the future holds, but we do know our God and we know that He promises that He will never give us any trial that we are unable to bear. We know that He is seeking our highest good when we do have trials of any kind and that His will for every Christian is to conform them into the image of Christ. Marriage just in and of itself is an exercise in learning to become others-centered, to learn to lose the fascination we all humans have with self. Trials in marriage often expedite this process! For this we need to learn to be thankful, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus!
You may never have to experience illness of this kind in your marriage, but you will have trials of some sort, we all do! God allows different experiences to happen to different people for different reasons. Our trials just happened to be various types of cancer and various surgeries. This may not be what the Lord has for you, but the principles He wishes to teach us may well be the same.
We hope that this encourages you to seek the Lord together; to make Bible study a regular part of your marriage, to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ and to become that strong cord of three strands that will not break, but will strengthen and become even stronger as the cord is pulled in one direction or the other during a trial. May He bless us with an ever-growing faith!
