Role of the Husband, Role of the Wife by Alan Smith

I recently finished a two part study on roles in marriage, so I thought I would summarize some key points.

Husbands: We have the harder job, because our command (found in Ephesians 5) is to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. The word for love in Greek is agape and this is the highest form of love that there is, it is unconditional love; love that requires nothing back from the object of that love. This is the way in which God loves us.

Ephesians 5:25-29, 33 is the main scripture reference with the instruction to the husbands.

This love has several characteristics:

Sacrifice –Husbands, are you ready to sacrifice all that you are for your wife? Are you willing, as Christ was, to lay down your life for her? Can you say that you will put aside your dreams or your goals for the sake of your wife? This is sacrificial love.

Service- Husbands, are you willing to serve your wife as Christ served the body? Jesus said, “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” John 13:14-15 Do you serve her in love, as the example Jesus left for us? I know many will think, well, my wife is supposed to serve me, submit to me!

But remember what Jesus said? “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not so among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28

It is rather hard to argue with Jesus on this point. If you want to be served, then serve! You provide the example in your home, just as Jesus provided the example for His disciples, and for us.

Sanctifying- Husbands, are you enabling your wife to be all that she can be in the Lord? Do you provide the means for her to be able to attend church, Bible studies and other conferences that will help her develop spiritually? Do you encourage her to read the Word; do you buy good books for her to help her with her studies? You do not have to teach her the Bible yourself, you may not know it that well, but you can ask others what they would recommend. You could go to your brothers who are older in the Lord and ask them what they have done in this area to help their wives.

Initiating- Husbands, are you loving your wife no matter what your wife may or may not be doing? Initiating love is the love that God loved us with; He loved us first. Get the message? We are to love our wives first, whether or not they love us back, whether or not they are submitting to us perfectly or doing their own role perfectly. Look to the gospels and see how Jesus treated the women He encountered. There are great examples in the Word if we take the time to search them out.

Husbands have a very high calling, namely to love like Christ loves, but we are only human, so Paul gives us a very practical instruction: love your wife like you love yourself. Humans are very willing to make sacrifices for themselves, but our problem is in loving others with the same intensity with which we love ourselves. Take that same level of intensity of loving yourself and turn it outward and onto your wife. Ask the Lord for the strength to do this and He will give it to you. He will always enable you to do what He has called you to do, if you are willing to do it!

Wives: Your instruction is to submit to your own husband as unto the Lord and to respect him. Submission is to be to your own husband, not men in general, but to the man God has given you as your own. You are to do this because God said to do it, not because your husband is some sort of God-man. Submission does not mean you are to tolerate abusive behavior of any kind. God has not called women to be abused by their husbands, and the gospel accounts of Jesus give us a wonderful example of someone who was a champion of women. They also give us a wonderful example of voluntary submission. Jesus is God and when He came to earth, He humbled Himself, taking on the form of man to accomplish the will of the Father. He said, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.” John 6:38 Just as Jesus willingly submitted His will to the Father, so wives ought to submit to their husband.

The main instruction to the wives comes from Ephesians 5:22-23, 33 with some additional thoughts from 1 Peter 3:1-6.

No, husbands aren’t God, and they are not smarter, better, more spiritual or more capable than women, but God has established order in the home and husbands are the head of the family and Christ is to be the head of the husband. (1 Cor. 11:3) When wives do what God asks them to do, He protects them, teaches them and causes them to grow in the faith and He is able to deal with their husbands when the wives do not stand in the way.

One practical way in which submission is lived out is that when you cannot agree on something, such as what to do in a particular situation, then the husband will make the final decision. His decision may or may not be right, but it will afford an opportunity for the two of you to learn together. In this way you are respecting your husband’s leadership. People are not born with perfect leadership skills, those skills are learned through trial and error. Give your husband some time to learn to be an effective leader and pray for him daily. Remember you are married to a man, so he will make mistakes, and when he does, don’t berate him, but rather encourage him to learn from his mistakes.

Wives, remember that submission is a protection for you. You are under the covering and protection of your husband. He is the leader, and with great authority comes great responsibility.

Everyone has to deal with their own sin, but because the husband has the authority he also has more to give an account for as well. Remember who sinned first in the fall? Eve. But who does Scripture also hold responsible? Adam.

Wives are to be in submission to their husbands even if the husband is an unbeliever. As 1 Corinthians 7 explains if you are married to an unbeliever and they are willing to stay married to you, you are not to divorce them, just because they are unbelievers. The idea from 1 Peter is that you have a huge evangelistic opportunity to live out the love of Christ in front of your unbelieving husband.

There are of course no guarantees that your husband will get saved, but with God all things are possible and in the end, He will say to you, “Well done, good and faithful servant”. It is of great benefit to have a clear conscience and to know that you have not been a stumbling block to your unbelieving husband, that you have done all that God has asked you to do to enable him to come to Christ.

You submit because God said so, you do it out of obedience and with the eternal goal in mind.

Paul, in Ephesians 5 calls marriage a great mystery, a picture of Christ and the church. Your marriage, when lived out per God’s instructions by both parties is an earthly picture of a heavenly relationship. Your marriage then becomes a huge witnessing tool to an unbelieving and struggling world. This adds a whole new dimension to your marriage and an incentive to follow the way God instructed husbands and wives to treat one another. We have a great responsibility to represent God correctly to the world and obeying God is truly the way to have a great marriage as well.

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